i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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