the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize