I wish my penis had an off switch
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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