dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
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