We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
