I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
