You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
