Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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