i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
