I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Small penises have feelings too.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize