Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Such a big mess for such a small penis
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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