I'm pants shitting drunk right now
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
