mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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