As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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