You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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