god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
