if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
