Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
