I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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