The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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