Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
