i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
