I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize