why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
