This is not my ceiling
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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