Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
