her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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