shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
