Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
