Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Randomize
