Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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