She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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