his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
