my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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