last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
