look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
