I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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