I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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