you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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