He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Drake has all the answers
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
as a side note pls kill me
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