Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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