Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
