Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
