Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Randomize
