the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
