I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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