New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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