i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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