Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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