someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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