I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
