then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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