Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
