do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
