i just wanna soil my oats bro
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
