How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Houston, we have a blender
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
