remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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