you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
