Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dear god my vagina.
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