I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
