the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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