Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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