ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
