mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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