So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
