After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
