How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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